the notebook-恋恋笔记本(英文版)-第18部分
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After what seemed like an eternity he heard the back door open。 He didn’t turn to look at her—for some reason he couldn’t…and he listened as she sat in the chair beside him。
“I’m sorry；〃 Allie said。 〃I bad no idea this would happen。〃
Noah shook his head。 〃Don't be sorry。 We both knew it was ing to some form or another。〃
〃It’s still hard。”
〃I know。〃 He finally turned to her； reaching for her hand。 〃Is here anything I can do to make it easier？〃
She shook her head。 〃No。 Not really。 I have to do this alone。 Besides； I'm not sure what I'm going to say to him yet。〃 She looked down and her voice became softer。 〃I guess it depends on him and low much he knows。 If my mother was right； he may have suspicions； but he doesn't know anything for sure。〃
Noah felt tightness in his stomach。 When he finally spoke his voice was steady； but she could hear the pain in it。 〃You're not going to tell him about us； are you？〃
〃I don't know。 I really don't。 While I was in the living room； I kept asking myself what I really wanted in my life。〃 She squeezed his hand。 〃And do you know what the answer was？ The answer was that I want you。 I want us。 I love you and I always have。〃 She took a deep breath before going on。 〃But I also want a happy ending without hurting anyone。 And I know that if I stayed； people would be hurt。 Especially Lon。 I wasn't lying when I told you that I love him。 He doesn't make me feel the same way you do； but I care for him； and this wouldn't be fair to him。 But staying here would also hurt my family and friends。 I would be betraying everyone I know 。。。 I don't know if I can do that。〃
〃You can't live your life for other people。 You've got to do what's right for you； even if it hurts some people you love。〃
〃I know；〃 she said； 〃but no matter what I choose I have to live with it。 For ever。 I have to be able to go forward and not look back any more。 Can you understand that？〃
He shook his head and tried to keep his voice steady。 〃Not really。 Not if it means losing you。 I can't do that again。〃
She didn't say anything but lowered her head。 Noah went on： 〃Could you really leave me without looking back？〃
She bit her lip as she answered。 Her voice was beginning to crack。 〃I don't know。 Probably not。〃
〃Would that be fair to Lon？〃
She didn't answer。 Instead she stood up； wiped her face and walked to the edge of the porch where she leaned against the post and watched the water before answering quietly： 〃No。〃
〃It doesn't have to be like this； Allie；〃 he said。 〃We're adults now； we have the choice we didn't have before。 We're meant to be together。 We always have been。〃 He walked to her side and put his hand on her shoulder。 〃I don't want to live the rest of my life thinking about you and dreaming of what might have been。 Stay with me； Allie。〃
Tears filled her eyes。 〃I don't know if I can；〃 she whispered。
〃You can。 Allie 。。。 I can't live my life happily knowing you're with someone else。 That would kill a part of me。 What we have is rare。 It's too beautiful to just throw it away。〃
After a moment he gently turned her towards him； took her hands and stared at her； willing her to look at him。 Allie finally faced him with moist eyes。 After a long silence； Noah brushed the tears from her cheeks with his fingers。 His voice caught as he saw what her eyes were telling him。 〃You're not going to stay； are you？〃 He smiled weakly。 〃You want to； but you can't。〃
〃Oh； Noah；〃 she said as the tears began again； 〃try to understand—〃
He shook his head to stop her。 〃I know what you're trying to say—I can see it in your eyes。 But I don't want to understand it； Allie。 I don't want it to end this way。 I don't want it to end at all。 But if you leave； we both know we'll never see each other again。〃
She leaned into him and began to cry harder as Noah fought back his own tears。 He wrapped his arms around her。
〃Allie； I can't force you to stay with me。 But no matter what happens in my life； I'll never forget these last couple of days with you。 I've been dreaming about this for years。〃
He kissed her gently； and they embraced as they had when she first got out of her car two days ago。 Finally Allie let him go and wiped her tears。 〃I have to get my things； Noah。〃
He didn't go inside with her。 Instead he sat down in the rocker； spent。 He watched her go into the house and listened as the sound of her movements faded into nothing。 She emerged minutes later with everything she'd brought and walked towards him with her head down。 She handed him the drawing she had done yesterday morning。 〃Here； Noah。 I made this for you。〃
Noah took the drawing and unrolled it slowly。
The image in the foreground； which occupied most of the page； was a picture of how he looked now。 Noah noticed that she had pencilled in every detail of his face。 It was almost as if she'd copied it from a recent photograph。 The second image was the front of the house。 The detail there was also incredible； as if she had sketched it while sitting beneath the oak tree。
〃It's beautiful； Allie。 Thank you。〃 He attempted a smile。 〃I told you that you were an artist。〃 She nodded； her face cast downwards； her lips pressed together。 It was time for her to go。
They walked to her car slowly； without speaking。 When they reached it； Noah embraced her again until he could feel the tears welling up in his own eyes。 He kissed her lips and both cheeks； then with his finger softly brushed the places he'd kissed。
〃I love you； Allie。〃
〃I love you； too。〃
Noah opened her car door and they kissed one more time。 Then she slid behind the wheel； never taking her eyes from him。 She put the packet of letters and her handbag next to her on the seat and fumbled for the keys； then turned the ignition。 It started easily and the engine began to turn over impatiently。 It was almost time。
Noah pushed her door closed with both hands and Allie rolled down the window。 She reached out her hand and Noah took it for just a moment； moving his fingers softly against her skin。
〃Stay with me；〃 Noah mouthed without sound； and this for some reason hurt more than Allie would have expected。 The tears began to fall hard now； but she couldn't speak。 Reluctantly； she looked away and pulled her hand from his。 She put the car in gear。
He fell into an almost trancelike state as he watched it roll slowly forwards； the gravel crunching under the wheels。 Slowly the car turned towards the road that would take her back to town。 Noah felt dizzy at the sight。 〃Don't go！〃 he wanted to shout。 But he didn't say anything； and a minute later the only remaining signs of her were the tracks that her car had left behind。
She was gone。 For ever this time。 For ever。 He closed his eyes。
DRIVING WITH TEARS in her eyes was difficult； but Allie went on anyway。 She kept the window rolled down； thinking the fresh air might help clear her mind； but it didn't seem to。 Nothing would help。 She was tired； and she wondered if she would have the energy she needed to talk to Lon。 And what was she going to say？ She hoped that something would e to her when the time came。 By the time she reached Front Street； she had herself a little more under control。 Traffic was light and she had time to watch strangers going about their Business as she drove through New Bern。 At a service station； a mechanic was looking under the bon of a new car。 Two women were pushing prams just outside Hoffman…Lane； chatting while they window…shopped。
She saw the inn just up the street while she was stopped at a red light。 She took a deep breath when the light turned green and drove slowly until she reached the parking lot。 She turned in and saw Lon's car sitting in the first spot。 Although the one next to it was open； she passed it and picked a spot a little further from the entrance。
She turned off the engine； then reached into the glove partment for a mirror and brush。 Looking at herself； she saw her eyes were still red and puffy。 Like yesterday after the rain； she was sorry she didn't have any make…up； though she doubted it would help much now。 She reached for her purse； opened it； and once again looked at the article that had brought her here。 It felt impossible to her that she had arrived only the day before yeste
