暮色-第81部分

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knowing　that　I　couldn't　stop。　Believing　that　I　was　going　to　kill　you　
myself。〃　

〃But　you　didn't。〃　

〃I　could　have。　So　easily。〃　

I　knew　I　needed　to　stay　calm…　but　he　was　trying　to　talk　himself　into　
leaving　me；　and　the　panic　fluttered　in　my　lungs；　trying　to　get　out。　

〃Promise　me；〃　I　whispered。　

〃What？〃　

〃You　know　what。〃　I　was　starting　to　get　angry　now。　He　was　so　stubbornly　
determined　to　dwell　on　the　negative。　

He　heard　the　change　in　my　tone。　His　eyes　tightened。　〃I　don't　seem　to　be　
strong　enough　to　stay　away　from　you；　so　I　suppose　that　you'll　get　your　
way…　whether　it　kills　you　or　not；〃　he　added　roughly。　

〃Good。〃　He　hadn't　promised；　though　—　a　fact　that　I　had　not　missed。　The　
panic　was　only　barely　contained；　I　had　no　strength　left　to　control　the　
anger。　〃You　told　me　how　you　stopped…　now　I　want　to　know　why；〃　I　demanded。　

〃Why？〃　he　repeated　warily。　

〃Why　you　did　it。　Why　didn't　you　just　let　the　venom　spread？　By　now　I　would　
be　just　like　you。〃　

Edward's　eyes　seemed　to　turn　flat　black；　and　I　remembered　that　this　was　
something　he'd　never　intended　me　to　know。　Alice　must　have　been　
preoccupied　by　the　things　she'd　learned　about　herself…　or　she'd　been　very　
careful　with　her　thoughts　around　him　—　clearly；　he'd　had　no　idea　that　
she'd　filled　me　in　on　the　mechanics　of　vampire　conversions。　He　was　
surprised；　and　infuriated。　His　nostrils　flared；　his　mouth　looked　as　if　it　
was　chiseled　from　stone。　

He　wasn't　going　to　answer；　that　much　was　clear。　

〃I'll　be　the　first　to　admit　that　I　have　no　experience　with　
relationships；〃　I　said。　〃But　it　just　seems　logical…　a　man　and　woman　have　
to　be　somewhat　equal…　as　in；　one　of　them　can't　always　be　swooping　in　and　
saving　the　other　one。　They　have　to　save　each　other　equally。〃　

He　folded　his　arms　on　the　side　of　my　bed　and　rested　his　chin　on　his　arms。　
His　expression　was　smooth；　the　anger　reined　in。　Evidently　he'd　decided　he　
wasn't　angry　with　me。　I　hoped　I'd　get　a　chance　to　warn　Alice　before　he　
caught　up　with　her。　

〃You　have　saved　me；〃　he　said　quietly。　

〃I　can't　always　be　Lois　Lane；〃　I　insisted。　〃I　want　to　be　Superman；　too。〃　

〃You　don't　know　what　you're　asking。〃　His　voice　was　soft；　he　stared　
intently　at　the　edge　of　the　pillowcase。　

〃I　think　I　do。〃　

〃Bella；　you　don't　know。　I've　had　almost　niy　years　to　think　about　this；　
and　I'm　still　not　sure。〃　

〃Do　you　wish　that　Carlisle　hadn't　saved　you？〃　

〃No；　I　don't　wish　that。〃　He　paused　before　continuing。　〃But　my　life　was　
over。　I　wasn't　giving　anything　up。〃　

〃You　are　my　life。　You're　the　only　thing　it　would　hurt　me　to　lose。〃　I　was　
getting　better　at　this。　It　was　easy　to　admit　how　much　I　needed　him。　

He　was　very　calm；　though。　Decided。　

〃I　can't　do　it；　Bella。　I　won't　do　that　to　you。〃　

〃Why　not？〃　My　throat　rasped　and　the　words　weren't　as　loud　as　I'd　meant　
them　to　be。　〃Don't　tell　me　it's　too　hard！　After　today；　or　I　guess　it　was　
a　few　days　ago…　anyway；　after　that；　it　should　be　nothing。〃　

He　glared　at　me。　

〃And　the　pain？〃　he　asked。　

I　blanched。　I　couldn't　help　it。　But　I　tried　to　keep　my　expression　from　
showing　how　clearly　I　remembered　the　feeling…　the　fire　in　my　veins。　

〃That's　my　problem；〃　I　said。　〃I　can　handle　it。〃　

〃It's　possible　to　take　bravery　to　the　point　where　it　bees　insanity。〃　

〃It's　not　an　issue。　Three　days。　Big　deal。〃　

Edward　grimaced　again　as　my　words　reminded　him　that　I　was　more　informed　
than　he　had　ever　intended　me　to　be。　I　watched　him　repress　the　anger；　
watched　as　his　eyes　grew　speculative。　

〃Charlie？〃　he　asked　curtly。　〃Renée？〃　

Minutes　passed　in　silence　as　I　struggled　to　answer　his　question。　I　opened　
my　mouth；　but　no　sound　came　out。　I　closed　it　again。　He　waited；　and　his　
expression　became　triumphant　because　he　knew　I　had　no　true　answer。　

〃Look；　that's　not　an　issue　either；〃　I　finally　muttered；　my　voice　was　as　
unconvincing　as　it　always　was　when　I　lied。　〃Renée　has　always　made　the　
choices　that　work　for　her　—　she'd　want　me　to　do　the　same。　And　Charlie's　
resilient；　he's　used　to　being　on　his　own。　I　can't　take　care　of　them　
forever。　I　have　my　own　life　to　live。〃　

〃Exactly；〃　he　snapped。　〃And　I　won't　end　it　for　you。〃　

〃If　you're　waiting　for　me　to　be　on　my　deathbed；　I've　got　news　for　you！　I　
was　just　there！〃　

〃You're　going　to　recover；〃　he　reminded　me。　

I　took　a　deep　breath　to　calm　myself；　ignoring　the　spasm　of　pain　it　
triggered。　I　stared　at　him；　and　he　stared　back。　There　was　no　promise　
in　his　face。　

〃No；〃　I　said　slowly。　〃I'm　not。〃　

His　forehead　creased。　〃Of　course　you　are。　You　may　have　a　scar　or　two…〃　

〃You're　wrong；〃　I　insisted。　〃I'm　going　to　die。〃　

〃Really；　Bella。〃　He　was　anxious　now。　〃You'll　be　out　of　here　in　a　few　

days。　Two　week　at　most。〃　

I　glared　at　him。　〃I　may　not　die　now…　but　I'm　going　to　die　sometime。　Every　
minute　of　the　day；　I　get　closer。　And　I'm　going　to　get　old。〃　

He　frowned　as　what　I　was　saying　sunk　in；　pressing　his　long　fingers　to　his　
temples　and　closing　his　eyes。　〃That's　how　it's　supposed　to　happen。　How　it　
should　happen。　How　it　would　have　happened　if　I　didn't　exist　—　and　I　
shouldn't　exist。〃　

I　snorted。　He　opened　his　eyes　in　surprise。　〃That's　stupid。　That's　like　
going　to　someone　who's　just　won　the　lottery；　taking　their　money；　and　
saying；　'Look；　let's　just　go　back　to　how　things　should　be。　It's　better　
that　way。'　And　I'm　not　buying　it。〃　

〃I'm　hardly　a　lottery　prize；〃　he　growled。　

〃That's　right。　You're　much　better。〃　

He　rolled　his　eyes　and　set　his　lips。　〃Bella；　we're　not　having　this　
discussion　anymore。　I　refuse　to　damn　you　to　an　eternity　of　night　and　
that's　the　end　of　it。〃　

〃If　you　think　that's　the　end；　then　you　don't　know　me　very　well；〃　I　warned　
him。　〃You're　not　the　only　vampire　I　know。〃　

His　eyes　went　black　again。　〃Alice　wouldn't　dare。〃　

And　for　a　moment　he　looked　so　frightening　that　I　couldn't　help　but　
believe　it　—　I　couldn't　imagine　someone　brave　enough　to　cross　him。　

〃Alice　already　saw　it；　didn't　she？〃　I　guessed。　〃That's　why　the　things　she　
says　upset　you。　She　knows　I'm　going　to　be　like　you…　someday。〃　

〃She's　wrong。　She　also　saw　you　dead；　but　that　didn't　happen；　either。〃　

〃You'll　never　catch　me　betting　against　Alice。〃　

We　stared　at　each　other　for　a　very　long　time。　It　was　quiet　except　for　the　
whirring　of　the　machines；　the　beeping；　the　dripping；　the　ticking　of　the　
big　clock　on　the　wall。　Finally；　his　expression　softened。　

〃So　where　does　that　leave　us？〃　I　wondered。　

He　chuckled　humorlessly。　〃I　believe　it's　called　an　impasse。〃　

I　sighed。　〃Ouch；〃　I　muttered。　

〃How　are　you　feeling？〃　he　asked；　eyeing　the　button　for　the　nurse。　

〃I'm　fine；〃　I　lied。　

〃I　don't　believe　you；〃　he　said　gently。　

〃I'm　not　going　back　to　sleep。〃　

〃You　need　rest。　All　this　arguing　isn't　good　for　you。〃　

〃So　give　in；〃　I　hinted。　

〃Nice　try。〃　He　reached　for　the　button。　

〃No！〃　

He　ignored　me。　

〃Yes？〃　the　speaker　on　the　wall　squawked。　

〃I　think　we're　ready　for　more　pain　medication；〃　he　said　calmly；　ignoring　
my　furious　expression。　

〃I'll　send　in　the　nurse。〃　The　voice　sounded　very　bored。　

〃I　won't　take　it；〃　I　promised。　

He　looked　toward　the　sack　of　fluids　hanging　beside　my　bed。　〃I　don't　think　
they're　going　to　ask　you　to　swallow　anything。〃　

My　heart　rate　started　to　climb。　He　read　the　fear　in　my　eyes；　and　sighed　
in　frustration。　

〃Bella；　you're　in　pain。　You　need　to　relax　so　you　can　heal。　Why　are　you　
being　so　difficult？　They're　not　going　to　put　any　more　needles　in　you　now。〃　

〃I'm　not　afraid　of　the　needles；〃　I　mumbled。　〃I'm　afraid　to　close　my　eyes。〃　

Then　he　smiled　his　crooked　smile；　and　took　my　face　between　his　hands。　〃I　
told　you　I'm　not　going　anywhere。　Don't　be　afraid。　As　long　as　it　makes　you　
happy；　I'll　be　here。〃　

I　smiled　back；　ignoring　the　ache　in　my　cheeks。　〃You're　talking　about　
forever；　you　know。〃　

〃Oh；　you'll　get　over　it　—　it's　just　a　crush。〃　

I　shook　my　head　in　disbelief—　it　made　me　dizzy。　〃I　was　shocked　when　Renée　
swallowed　that　one。　I　know　you　know　better。〃　

〃That's　the　beautiful　thing　about　being　human；〃　he　told　me。　〃Things　
change。〃　

My　eyes　narrowed。　〃Don't　hold　your　breath。〃　

He　was　laughing　when　the　nurse　came　in；　brandishing　a　syringe。