暮色-第48部分
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I was relieved to finally understand。 And I was filled with passion
for his suffering; even now; as he confessed his craving to take my life。
I finally was able to speak; though my voice was faint。 〃In the hospital?〃
His eyes flashed up to mine。 〃I was appalled。 I couldn't believe I had
put us in danger after all; put myself in your power — you of all people。
As if I needed another motive to kill you。〃 We both flinched as that word
slipped out。 〃But it had the opposite effect;〃 he continued quickly。 〃I
fought with Rosalie; Emmett; and Jasper when they suggested that now was
the time… the worst fight we've ever had。 Carlisle sided with me; and
Alice。〃 He grimaced when he said her name。 I couldn't imagine why。 〃Esme
told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay。〃 He shook his head
indulgently。
〃All that next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to;
shocked that you kept your word。 I didn't understand you at all。 But I
knew that I couldn't bee more involved with you。 I did my very best to
stay as far from you as possible。 And every day the perfume of your skin;
your breath; your hair… it hit me as hard as the very first day。〃
He met my eyes again; and they were surprisingly tender。
〃And for all that;〃 he continued; 〃I'd have fared better if I had exposed
us all at that first moment; than if now; here — with no witnesses and
nothing to stop me — I were to hurt you。〃
I was human enough to have to ask。 〃Why?〃
〃Isabella。〃 He pronounced my full name carefully; then playfully ruffled
my hair with his free hand。 A shock ran through my body at his casual
touch。 〃Bella; I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you。 You don't
know how it's tortured me。〃 He looked down; ashamed again。 〃The thought
of you; still; white; cold… to never see you blush scarlet again; to
never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my
pretenses… it would be unendurable。〃 He lifted his glorious; agonized
eyes to mine。 〃You are the most important thing to me now。 The most
important thing to me ever。〃
My head was spinning at the rapid change in direction our conversation
had taken。 From the cheerful topic of my impending demise; we were
suddenly declaring ourselves。 He waited; and even though I looked down to
study our hands between us; I knew his golden eyes were on me。 〃You
already know how I feel; of course;〃 I finally said。 〃I'm here… which;
roughly translated; means I would rather die than stay away from you。〃 I
frowned。 〃I'm an idiot。〃
〃You are an idiot;〃 he agreed with a laugh。 Our eyes met; and I laughed;
too。 We laughed together at the idiocy and sheer impossibility of such a
moment。
〃And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…〃 he murmured。 I looked away;
hiding my eyes as I thrilled to the word。
〃What a stupid lamb;〃 I sighed。
〃What a sick; masochistic lion。〃 He stared into the shadowy forest for a
long moment; and I wondered where his thoughts had taken him。
〃Why… ?〃 I began; and then paused; not sure how to continue。
He looked at me and smiled; sunlight glinted off his face; his teeth。
〃Yes?〃
〃Tell me why you ran from me before。〃
His smile faded。 〃You know why。〃
〃No; I mean; exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard;
you see; so I better start learning what I shouldn't do。 This; for
example〃 — I stroked the back of his hand — 〃seems to be all right。〃
He smiled again。 〃You didn't do anything wrong; Bella。 It was my fault。〃
〃But I want to help; if I can; to not make this harder for you。〃
〃Well…〃 He contemplated for a moment。 〃It was just how close you were。
Most humans instinctively shy away from us; are repelled by our
alienness… I wasn't expecting you to e so close。 And the smell of your
throat。〃 He stopped short; looking to see if he'd upset me。
〃Okay; then;〃 I said flippantly; trying to alleviate the suddenly tense
atmosphere。 I tucked my chin。 〃No throat exposure。〃
It worked; he laughed。 〃No; really; it was more the surprise than
anything else。〃
He raised his free hand and placed it gently on the side of my neck。 I
sat very still; the chill of his touch a natural warning — a warning
telling me to be terrified。 But there was no feeling of fear in me。 There
were; however; other feelings…
〃You see;〃 he said。 〃Perfectly fine。〃
My blood was racing; and I wished I could slow it; sensing that this must
make everything so much more difficult — the thudding of my pulse in my
veins。 Surely he could hear it。
〃The blush on your cheeks is lovely;〃 he murmured。 He gently freed his
other hand。 My hands fell limply into my lap。 Softly he brushed my cheek;
then held my face between his marble hands。
〃Be very still;〃 he whispered; as if I wasn't already frozen。
Slowly; never moving his eyes from mine; he leaned toward me。 Then
abruptly; but very gently; he rested his cold cheek against the hollow at
the base of my throat。 I was quite unable to move; even if I'd wanted to。
I listened to the sound of his even breathing; watching the sun and wind
play in his bronze hair; more human than any other part of him。
With deliberate slowness; his hands slid down the sides of my neck。 I
shivered; and I heard him catch his breath。 But his hands didn't pause as
they softly moved to my shoulders; and then stopped。
His face drifted to the side; his nose skimming across my collarbone。 He
came to rest with the side of his face pressed tenderly against my chest。
Listening to my heart。
〃Ah;〃 he sighed。
I don't know how long we sat without moving。 It could have been hours。
Eventually the throb of my pulse quieted; but he didn't move or speak
again as he held me。 I knew at any moment it could be too much; and my
life could end — so quickly that I might not even notice。 And I couldn't
make myself be afraid。 I couldn't think of anything; except that he was
touching me。
And then; too soon; he released me。
His eyes were peaceful。
〃It won't be so hard again;〃 he said with satisfaction。
〃Was that very hard for you?〃
〃Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be。 And you?〃
〃No; it wasn't bad… for me。〃
He smiled at my inflection。 〃You know what I mean。〃
I smiled。
〃Here。〃 He took my hand and placed it against his cheek。 〃Do you feel how
warm it is?〃
And it was almost warm; his usually icy skin。 But I barely noticed; for I
was touching his face; something I'd dreamed of constantly since the
first day I'd seen him。
〃Don't move;〃 I whispered。
No one could be still like Edward。 He closed his eyes and became as
immobile as stone; a carving under my hand。
I moved even more slowly than he had; careful not to make one unexpected
move。 I caressed his cheek; delicately stroked his eyelid; the purple
shadow in the hollow under his eye。 I traced the shape of his perfect
nose; and then; so carefully; his flawless lips。 His lips parted under my
hand; and I could feel his cool breath on my fingertips。 I wanted to lean
in; to inhale the scent of him。 So I dropped my hand and leaned away; not
wanting to push him too far。
He opened his eyes; and they were hungry。 Not in a way to make me fear;
but rather to tighten the muscles in the pit of my stomach and send my
pulse hammering through my veins again。
〃I wish;〃 he whispered; 〃I wish you could feel the… plexity… the
confusion… I feel。 That you could understand。〃
He raised his hand to my hair; then carefully brushed it across my face。
〃Tell me;〃 I breathed。
〃I don't think I can。 I've told you; on the one hand; the hunger — the
thirst — that; deplorable creature that I am; I feel for you。 And I think
you can understand that; to an extent。 Though〃 — he halfsmiled — 〃as you
are not addicted to any illegal substances; you probably can't empathize
pletely。
〃But…〃 His fingers touched my lips lightly; making me shiver again。
〃There are other hungers。 Hungers I don't even understand; that are
foreign to me。〃
〃I may understand that better than you think。〃
〃I'm not used to feeling so human。 Is it always like this?〃
〃For