暮色-第47部分

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A　moment　passed　as　he　assembled　his　thoughts。　

〃You　know　how　everyone　enjoys　different　flavors？〃　he　began。　〃Some　people　
love　chocolate　ice　cream；　others　prefer　strawberry？〃　

I　nodded。　

〃Sorry　about　the　food　analogy　—　I　couldn't　think　of　another　way　to　
explain。〃　

I　smiled。　He　smiled　ruefully　back。　

〃You　see；　every　person　smells　different；　has　a　different　essence。　If　you　
locked　an　alcoholic　in　a　room　full　of　stale　beer；　he'd　gladly　drink　it。　
But　he　could　resist；　if　he　wished　to；　if　he　were　a　recovering　alcoholic。　
Now　let's　say　you　placed　in　that　room　a　glass　of　hundredyearold　brandy；　
the　rarest；　finest　cognac　—　and　filled　the　room　with　its　warm　aroma　—　how　
do　you　think　he　would　fare　then？〃　

We　sat　silently；　looking　into　each　other's　eyes　—　trying　to　read　each　
other's　thoughts。　

He　broke　the　silence　first。　

〃Maybe　that's　not　the　right　parison。　Maybe　it　would　be　too　easy　to　
turn　down　the　brandy。　Perhaps　I　should　have　made　our　alcoholic　a　heroin　
addict　instead。〃　

〃So　what　you're　saying　is；　I'm　your　brand　of　heroin？〃　I　teased；　trying　to　
lighten　the　mood。　

He　smiled　swiftly；　seeming　to　appreciate　my　effort。　〃Yes；　you　are　exactly　
my　brand　of　heroin。〃　

〃Does　that　happen　often？〃　I　asked。　

He　looked　across　the　treetops；　thinking　through　his　response。　

〃I　spoke　to　my　brothers　about　it。〃　He　still　stared　into　the　distance。　〃To　
Jasper；　every　one　of　you　is　much　the　same。　He's　the　most　recent　to　join　
our　family。　It's　a　struggle　for　him　to　abstain　at　all。　He　hasn't　had　time　
to　grow　sensitive　to　the　differences　in　smell；　in　flavor。〃　He　glanced　
swiftly　at　me；　his　expression　apologetic。　

〃Sorry；〃　he　said。　

〃I　don't　mind。　Please　don't　worry　about　offending　me；　or　frightening　me；　
or　whichever。　That's　the　way　you　think。　I　can　understand；　or　I　can　try　to　
at　least。　Just　explain　however　you　can。〃　

He　took　a　deep　breath　and　gazed　at　the　sky　again。　

〃So　Jasper　wasn't　sure　if　he'd　ever　e　across　someone　who　was　as〃　—　he　
hesitated；　looking　for　the　right　word　—　〃appealing　as　you　are　to　me。　
Which　makes　me　think　not。　Emmett　has　been　on　the　wagon　longer；　so　to　
speak；　and　he　understood　what　I　meant。　He　says　twice；　for　him；　once　
stronger　than　the　other。〃　

〃And　for　you？〃　

〃Never。〃　

The　word　hung　there　for　a　moment　in　the　warm　breeze。　

〃What　did　Emmett　do？〃　I　asked　to　break　the　silence。　

It　was　the　wrong　question　to　ask。　His　face　grew　dark；　his　hand　clenched　
into　a　fist　inside　mine。　He　looked　away。　I　waited；　but　he　wasn't　going　to　
answer。　

〃I　guess　I　know；〃　I　finally　said。　

He　lifted　his　eyes；　his　expression　was　wistful；　pleading。　

〃Even　the　strongest　of　us　fall　off　the　wagon；　don't　we？〃　

〃What　are　you　asking？　My　permission？〃　My　voice　was　sharper　than　I'd　
intended。　I　tried　to　make　my　tone　kinder　—　I　could　guess　what　his　honesty　
must　cost　him。　〃I　mean；　is　there　no　hope；　then？〃　How　calmly　I　could　
discuss　my　own　death！　

〃No；　no！〃　He　was　instantly　contrite。　〃Of　course　there's　hope！　I　mean；　of　
course　I　won't…〃　He　left　the　sentence　hanging。　His　eyes　burned　into　mine。　
〃It's　different　for　us。　Emmett…　these　were　strangers　he　happened　across。　
It　was　a　long　time　ago；　and　he　wasn't　as…　practiced；　as　careful；　as　he　is　
now。〃　

He　fell　silent　and　watched　me　intently　as　I　thought　it　through。　

〃So　if　we'd　met…　oh；　in　a　dark　alley　or　something…〃　I　trailed　off。　

〃It　took　everything　I　had　not　to　jump　up　in　the　middle　of　that　class　full　
of　children　and　—〃　He　stopped　abruptly；　looking　away。　〃When　you　walked　
past　me；　I　could　have　ruined　everything　Carlisle　has　built　for　us；　right　
then　and　there。　If　I　hadn't　been　denying　my　thirst　for　the　last；　well；　
too　many　years；　I　wouldn't　have　been　able　to　stop　myself。〃　He　paused；　
scowling　at　the　trees。　

He　glanced　at　me　grimly；　both　of　us　remembering。　〃You　must　have　thought　I　
was　possessed。〃　

〃I　couldn't　understand　why。　How　you　could　hate　me　so　quickly…〃　

〃To　me；　it　was　like　you　were　some　kind　of　demon；　summoned　straight　from　
my　own　personal　hell　to　ruin　me。　The　fragrance　ing　off　your　skin…　I　
thought　it　would　make　me　deranged　that　first　day。　In　that　one　hour；　I　
thought　of　a　hundred　different　ways　to　lure　you　from　the　room　with　me；　to　
get　you　alone。　And　I　fought　them　each　back；　thinking　of　my　family；　what　I　
could　do　to　them。　I　had　to　run　out；　to　get　away　before　I　could　speak　the　
words　that　would　make　you　follow…〃　

He　looked　up　then　at　my　staggered　expression　as　I　tried　to　absorb　his　
bitter　memories。　His　golden　eyes　scorched　from　under　his　lashes；　hypnotic　
and　deadly。　

〃You　would　have　e；〃　he　promised。　

I　tried　to　speak　calmly。　〃Without　a　doubt。〃　

He　frowned　down　at　my　hands；　releasing　me　from　the　force　of　his　stare。　
〃And　then；　as　I　tried　to　rearrange　my　schedule　in　a　pointless　attempt　to　
avoid　you；　you　were　there　—　in　that　close；　warm　little　room；　the　scent　
was　maddening。　I　so　very　nearly　took　you　then。　There　was　only　one　other　
frail　human　there　—　so　easily　dealt　with。〃　

I　shivered　in　the　warm　sun；　seeing　my　memories　anew　through　his　eyes；　
only　now　grasping　the　danger。　Poor　Ms。　Cope；　I　shivered　again　at　how　
close　I'd　e　to　being　inadvertently　responsible　for　her　death。　

〃But　I　resisted。　I　don't　know　how。　I　forced　myself　not　to　wait　for　you；　
not　to　follow　you　from　the　school。　It　was　easier　outside；　when　I　couldn't　
smell　you　anymore；　to　think　clearly；　to　make　the　right　decision。　I　left　
the　others　near　home　—　I　was　too　ashamed　to　tell　them　how　weak　I　was；　
they　only　knew　something　was　very　wrong　—　and　then　I　went　straight　to　
Carlisle；　at　the　hospital；　to　tell　him　I　was　leaving。〃　

I　stared　in　surprise。　

〃I　traded　cars　with　him　—　he　had　a　full　tank　of　gas　and　I　didn't　want　to　
stop。　I　didn't　dare　to　go　home；　to　face　Esme。　She　wouldn't　have　let　me　go　
without　a　scene。　She　would　have　tried　to　convince　me　that　it　wasn't　
necessary…　

〃By　the　next　morning　I　was　in　Alaska。〃　He　sounded　ashamed；　as　if　
admitting　a　great　cowardice。　〃I　spent　two　days　there；　with　some　old　
acquaintances…　but　I　was　homesick。　I　hated　knowing　I'd　upset　Esme；　and　

the　rest　of　them；　my　adopted　family。　In　the　pure　air　of　the　mountains　it　
was　hard　to　believe　you　were　so　irresistible。　I　convinced　myself　it　was　
weak　to　run　away。　I'd　dealt　with　temptation　before；　not　of　this　
magnitude；　not　even　close；　but　I　was　strong。　Who　were　you；　an　
insignificant　little　girl〃　—　he　grinned　suddenly　—　〃to　chase　me　from　the　
place　I　wanted　to　be？　So　I　came　back…〃　He　stared　off　into　space。　

I　couldn't　speak。　

〃I　took　precautions；　hunting；　feeding　more　than　usual　before　seeing　you　
again。　I　was　sure　that　I　was　strong　enough　to　treat　you　like　any　other　
human。　I　was　arrogant　about　it。　

〃It　was　unquestionably　a　plication　that　I　couldn't　simply　read　your　
thoughts　to　know　what　your　reaction　was　to　me。　I　wasn't　used　to　having　to　
go　to　such　circuitous　measures；　listening　to　your　words　in　Jessica's　
mind…　her　mind　isn't　very　original；　and　it　was　annoying　to　have　to　stoop　
to　that。　And　then　I　couldn't　know　if　you　really　meant　what　you　said。　It　
was　all　extremely　irritating。〃　He　frowned　at　the　memory。　

〃I　wanted　you　to　forget　my　behavior　that　first　day；　if　possible；　so　I　
tried　to　talk　with　you　like　I　would　with　any　person。　I　was　eager　
actually；　hoping　to　decipher　some　of　your　thoughts。　But　you　were　too　
interesting；　I　found　myself　caught　up　in　your　expressions…　and　every　now　
and　then　you　would　stir　the　air　with　your　hand　or　your　hair；　and　the　
scent　would　stun　me　again…　

〃Of　course；　then　you　were　nearly　crushed　to　death　in　front　of　my　eyes。　
Later　I　thought　of　a　perfectly　good　excuse　for　why　I　acted　at　that　moment　
—　because　if　I　hadn't　saved　you；　if　your　blood　had　been　spilled　there　in　
front　of　me；　I　don't　think　I　could　have　stopped　myself　from　exposing　us　
for　what　we　are。　But　I　only　thought　of　that　excuse　later。　At　the　time；　
all　I　could　think　was；　'Not　her。'〃　

He　closed　his　eyes；　lost　in　his　agonized　confession。　I　listened；　more　
eager　than　rational。　mon　sense　told　me　I　should　be　terrified。　Instead；　
I　was　relieved　to　finally　understand。　And　I　was　filled　with　passion　
for　his　suffering；　even　now；　as　h