暮色-第37部分

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I　tried　to　remember　how　to　exhale。　I　had　to　look　away　before　it　came　back　
to　me。　

〃You're　doing　it　again；〃　I　muttered。　

His　eyes　opened　wide　with　surprise。　〃What？〃　

〃Dazzling　me；〃　I　admitted；　trying　to　concentrate　as　I　looked　back　at　him。　

〃Oh。〃　He　frowned。　

〃It's　not　your　fault；〃　I　sighed。　〃You　can't　help　it。〃　

〃Are　you　going　to　answer　the　question？〃　

I　looked　down。　〃Yes。〃　

〃Yes；　you　are　going　to　answer；　or　yes；　you　really　think　that？〃　He　was　
irritated　again。　

〃Yes；　I　really　think　that。〃　I　kept　my　eyes　down　on　the　table；　my　eyes　
tracing　the　pattern　of　the　faux　wood　grains　printed　on　the　laminate。　The　
silence　dragged　on。　I　stubbornly　refused　to　be　the　first　to　break　it　this　
time；　fighting　hard　against　the　temptation　to　peek　at　his　expression。　

Finally　he　spoke；　voice　velvet　soft。　〃You're　wrong。〃　

I　glanced　up　to　see　that　his　eyes　were　gentle。　

〃You　can't　know　that；〃　I　disagreed　in　a　whisper。　I　shook　my　head　in　
doubt；　though　my　heart　throbbed　at　his　words　and　I　wanted　so　badly　to　
believe　them。　

〃What　makes　you　think　so？〃　His　liquid　topaz　eyes　were　perating　—　
trying　futilely；　I　assumed；　to　lift　the　truth　straight　from　my　mind。　

I　stared　back；　struggling　to　think　clearly　in　spite　of　his　face；　to　find　
some　way　to　explain。　As　I　searched　for　the　words；　I　could　see　him　getting　
impatient；　frustrated　by　my　silence；　he　started　to　scowl。　I　lifted　my　
hand　from　my　neck；　and　held　up　one　finger。　

〃Let　me　think；〃　I　insisted。　His　expression　cleared；　now　that　he　was　
satisfied　that　I　was　planning　to　answer。　I　dropped　my　hand　to　the　table；　
moving　my　left　hand　so　that　my　palms　were　pressed　together。　I　stared　at　
my　hands；　twisting　and　untwisting　my　fingers；　as　I　finally　spoke。　

〃Well；　aside　from　the　obvious；　sometimes…〃　I　hesitated。　〃I　can't　be　sure　
—　I　don't　know　how　to　read　minds　—　but　sometimes　it　seems　like　you're　
trying　to　say　goodbye　when　you're　saying　something　else。〃　That　was　the　
best　I　could　sum　up　the　sensation　of　anguish　that　his　words　triggered　in　
me　at　times。　

〃Perceptive；〃　he　whispered。　And　there　was　the　anguish　again；　surfacing　as　
he　confirmed　my　fear。　〃That's　exactly　why　you're　wrong；　though；〃　he　began　
to　explain；　but　then　his　eyes　narrowed。　〃What　do　you　mean；　'the　obvious'？〃　

〃Well；　look　at　me；〃　I　said；　unnecessarily　as　he　was　already　staring。　〃I'm　
absolutely　ordinary　—　well；　except　for　bad　things　like　all　the　neardeath　
experiences　and　being　so　clumsy　that　I'm　almost　disabled。　And　look　at　
you。〃　I　waved　my　hand　toward　him　and　all　his　bewildering　perfection。　

His　brow　creased　angrily　for　a　moment；　then　smoothed　as　his　eyes　took　on　
a　knowing　look。　〃You　don't　see　yourself　very　clearly；　you　know。　I'll　
admit　you're　deadon　about　the　bad　things；〃　he　chuckled　blackly；　〃but　you　
didn't　hear　what　every　human　male　in　this　school　was　thinking　on　your　
first　day。〃　

I　blinked；　astonished。　〃I　don't　believe　it…〃　I　mumbled　to　myself。　

〃Trust　me　just　this　once　—　you　are　the　opposite　of　ordinary。〃　

My　embarrassment　was　much　stronger　than　my　pleasure　at　the　look　that　came　
into　his　eyes　when　he　said　this。　I　quickly　reminded　him　of　my　original　
argument。　

〃But　I'm　not　saying　goodbye；〃　I　pointed　out。　

〃Don't　you　see？　That's　what　proves　me　right。　I　care　the　most；　because　if　
I　can　do　it〃　—　he　shook　his　head；　seeming　to　struggle　with　the　thought　—　
〃if　leaving　is　the　right　thing　to　do；　then　I'll　hurt　myself　to　keep　from　
hurting　you；　to　keep　you　safe。〃　

I　glared。　〃And　you　don't　think　I　would　do　the　same？〃　

〃You'd　never　have　to　make　the　choice。〃　

Abruptly；　his　unpredictable　mood　shifted　again；　a　mischievous；　
devastating　smile　rearranged　his　features。　〃Of　course；　keeping　you　safe　
is　beginning　to　feel　like　a　fulltime　occupation　that　requires　my　
constant　presence。〃　

〃No　one　has　tried　to　do　away　with　me　today；〃　I　reminded　him；　grateful　for　
the　lighter　subject。　I　didn't　want　him　to　talk　about　goodbyes　anymore。　If　
I　had　to；　I　supposed　I　could　purposefully　put　myself　in　danger　to　keep　
him　close…　I　banished　that　thought　before　his　quick　eyes　read　it　on　my　
face。　That　idea　would　definitely　get　me　in　trouble。　

〃Yet；〃　he　added。　

〃Yet；〃　I　agreed；　I　would　have　argued；　but　now　I　wanted　him　to　be　
expecting　disasters。　

〃I　have　another　question　for　you。〃　His　face　was　still　casual。　

〃Shoot。〃　

〃Do　you　really　need　to　go　to　Seattle　this　Saturday；　or　was　that　just　an　
excuse　to　get　out　of　saying　no　to　all　your　admirers？〃　

I　made　a　face　at　the　memory。　〃You　know；　I　haven't　forgiven　you　for　the　
Tyler　thing　yet；〃　I　warned　him。　〃It's　your　fault　that　he's　deluded　
himself　into　thinking　I'm　going　to　prom　with　him。〃　

〃Oh；　he　would　have　found　a　chance　to　ask　you　without　me　—　I　just　really　
wanted　to　watch　your　face；〃　he　chuckled；　I　would　have　been　angrier　if　his　
laughter　wasn't　so　fascinating。　〃If　I'd　asked　you；　would　you　have　turned　
me　down？〃　he　asked；　still　laughing　to　himself。　

〃Probably　not；〃　I　admitted。　〃But　I　would　have　canceled　later　—　faked　an　
illness　or　a　sprained　ankle。〃　

He　was　puzzled。　〃Why　would　you　do　that？〃　

I　shook　my　head　sadly。　〃You've　never　seen　me　in　Gym；　I　guess；　but　I　would　
have　thought　you　would　understand。〃　

〃Are　you　referring　to　the　fact　that　you　can't　walk　across　a　flat；　stable　
surface　without　finding　something　to　trip　over？〃　

〃Obviously。〃　

〃That　wouldn't　be　a　problem。〃　He　was　very　confident。　〃It's　all　in　the　
leading。〃　He　could　see　that　I　was　about　to　protest；　and　he　cut　me　off。　
〃But　you　never　told　me　—　are　you　resolved　on　going　to　Seattle；　or　do　you　
mind　if　we　do　something　different？〃　

As　long　as　the　〃we〃　part　was　in；　I　didn't　care　about　anything　else。　

〃I'm　open　to　alternatives；〃　I　allowed。　〃But　I　do　have　a　favor　to　ask。〃　

He　looked　wary；　as　he　always　did　when　I　asked　an　openended　question。　
〃What？〃　

〃Can　I　drive？〃　

He　frowned。　〃Why？〃　

〃Well；　mostly　because　when　I　told　Charlie　I　was　going　to　Seattle；　he　
specifically　asked　if　I　was　going　alone　and；　at　the　time；　I　was。　If　he　
asked　again；　I　probably　wouldn't　lie；　but　I　don't　think　he　will　ask　
again；　and　leaving　my　truck　at　home　would　just　bring　up　the　subject　
unnecessarily。　And　also；　because　your　driving　frightens　me。〃　

He　rolled　his　eyes。　〃Of　all　the　things　about　me　that　could　frighten　you；　
you　worry　about　my　driving。〃　He　shook　his　head　in　disgust；　but　then　his　
eyes　were　serious　again。　〃Won't　you　want　to　tell　your　father　that　you're　
spending　the　day　with　me？〃　There　was　an　undercurrent　to　his　question　that　
I　didn't　understand。　

〃With　Charlie；　less　is　always　more。〃　I　was　definite　about　that。　〃Where　
are　we　going；　anyway？〃　

〃The　weather　will　be　nice；　so　I'll　be　staying　out　of　the　public　eye…　and　
you　can　stay　with　me；　if　you'd　like　to。〃　Again；　he　was　leaving　the　choice　
up　to　me。　

〃And　you'll　show　me　what　you　meant；　about　the　sun？〃　I　asked；　excited　by　
the　idea　of　unraveling　another　of　the　unknowns。　

〃Yes。〃　He　smiled；　and　then　paused。　〃But　if　you　don't　want　to　be…　alone　
with　me；　I'd　still　rather　you　didn't　go　to　Seattle　by　yourself。　I　shudder　
to　think　of　the　trouble　you　could　find　in　a　city　that　size。〃　

I　was　miffed。　〃Phoenix　is　three　times　bigger　than　Seattle　—　just　in　
population。　In　physical　size　—〃　

〃But　apparently；〃　he　interrupted　me；　〃your　number　wasn't　up　in　Phoenix。　
So　I'd　rather　you　stayed　near　me。〃　His　eyes　did　that　unfair　smoldering　
thing　again。　

I　couldn't　argue；　with　the　eyes　or　the　motivation；　and　it　was　a　moot　
point　anyway。　〃As　it　happens；　I　don't　mind　being　alone　with　you。〃　

〃I　know；〃　he　sighed；　brooding。　〃You　should　tell　Charlie；　though。〃　

〃Why　in　the　world　would　I　do　that？〃　

His　eyes　were　suddenly　fierce。　〃To　give　me　some　small　incentive　to　bring　
you　back。〃　

I　gulped。　But；　after　a　moment　of　thought；　I　was　sure。　〃I　think　I'll　take　
my　chances。〃　

He　exhaled　angrily；　and　looked　away。　

〃Let's　talk　about　something　else；〃　I　suggested。　

〃What　do　you　want　to　talk　about？〃　he　asked。　He　was　still　annoyed。　

I　glanced　around　us；　making　sure　we　were　well　out　of　anyone's　hearing。　As　
I　cast　my　eyes　around　the　room；　I　caught　the　eyes　of　his　sister；　Alice；　
staring　at　me。　The　others　were