暮色-第25部分
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imperably thick glass wall between us in the one class where we were
forced together。 To tell him to leave me alone — and mean it this time。
I was gripped in a sudden agony of despair as I considered that
alternative。 My mind rejected the pain； quickly skipping on to the next
option。
I could do nothing different。 After all； if he was something… sinister；
he'd done nothing to hurt me so far。 In fact； I would be a dent in
Tyler's fender if he hadn't acted so quickly。 So quickly； I argued with
myself； that it might have been sheer reflexes。 But if it was a reflex to
save lives； how bad could he be？ I retorted。 My head spun around in
answerless circles。
There was one thing I was sure of； if I was sure of anything。 The dark
Edward in my dream last night was a reflection only of my fear of the
word Jacob had spoken； and not Edward himself。 Even so； when I'd screamed
out in terror at the werewolf's lunge； it wasn't fear for the wolf that
brought the cry of 〃no〃 to my lips。 It was fear that he would be harmed —
even as he called to me with sharpedged fangs； I feared for him。
And I knew in that I had my answer。 I didn't know if there ever was a
choice； really。 I was already in too deep。 Now that I knew — if I knew —
I could do nothing about my frightening secret。 Because when I thought of
him； of his voice； his hypnotic eyes； the magic force of his
personality； I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now。 Even
if… but I couldn't think it。 Not here； alone in the darkening forest。 Not
while the rain made it dim as twilight under the canopy and pattered like
footsteps across the matted earthen floor。 I shivered and rose quickly
from my place of concealment； worried that somehow the path would have
disappeared with the rain。
But it was there； safe and clear； winding its way out of the dripping
green maze。 I followed it hastily； my hood pulled close around my face；
being surprised； as I nearly ran through the trees； at how far I had
e。 I started to wonder if I was heading out at all； or following the
path farther into the confines of the forest。 Before I could get too
panicky； though； I began to glimpse some open spaces through the webbed
branches。 And then I could hear a car passing on the street； and I was
free； Charlie's lawn stretched out in front of me； the house beckoning
me； promising warmth and dry socks。
It was just noon when I got back inside。 I went upstairs and got dressed
for the day； jeans and a tshirt； since I was staying indoors。 It didn't
take too much effort to concentrate on my task for the day； a paper on
Macbeth that was due Wednesday。 I settled into outlining a rough draft
contentedly； more serene than I'd felt since… well； since Thursday
afternoon； if I was being honest。
That had always been my way； though。 Making decisions was the painful
part for me； the part I agonized over。 But once the decision was made； I
simply followed through — usually with relief that the choice was made。
Sometimes the relief was tainted by despair； like my decision to e to
Forks。 But it was still better than wrestling with the alternatives。
This decision was ridiculously easy to live with。 Dangerously easy。
And so the day was quiet； productive — I finished my paper before eight。
Charlie came home with a large catch； and I made a mental note to pick up
a book of recipes for fish while I was in Seattle next week。 The chills
that flashed up my spine whenever I thought of that trip were no
different than the ones I'd felt before I'd taken my walk with Jacob
Black。 They should be different； I thought。 I should be afraid — I knew I
should be； but I couldn't feel the right kind of fear。
I slept dreamlessly that night； exhausted from beginning my day so early；
and sleeping so poorly the night before。 I woke； for the second time
since arriving in Forks； to the bright yellow light of a sunny day。 I
skipped to the window； stunned to see that there was hardly a cloud in
the sky； and those there were just fleecy little white puffs that
couldn't possibly be carrying any rain。 I opened the window — surprised
when it opened silently； without sticking； not having opened it in who
knows how many years — and sucked in the relatively dry air。 It was
nearly warm and hardly windy at all。 My blood was electric in my veins。
Charlie was finishing breakfast when I came downstairs； and he picked up
on my mood immediately。
〃Nice day out；〃 he mented。
〃Yes；〃 I agreed with a grin。
He smiled back； his brown eyes crinkling around the edges。 When Charlie
smiled； it was easier to see why he and my mother had jumped too quickly
into an early marriage。 Most of the young romantic he'd been in those
days had faded before I'd known him； as the curly brown hair — the same
color； if not the same texture； as mine — had dwindled； slowly revealing
more and more of the shiny skin of his forehead。 But when he smiled I
could see a little of the man who had run away with Renée when she was
just two years older than I was now。
I ate breakfast cheerily； watching the dust moats stirring in the
sunlight that streamed in the back window。 Charlie called out a goodbye；
and I heard the cruiser pull away from the house。 I hesitated on my way
out the door； hand on my rain jacket。 It would be tempting fate to leave
it home。 With a sigh； I folded it over my arm and stepped out into the
brightest light I'd seen in months。
By dint of much elbow grease； I was able to get both windows in the truck
almost pletely rolled down。 I was one of the first ones to school； I
hadn't even checked the clock in my hurry to get outside。 I parked and
headed toward the seldomused piic benches on the south side of the
cafeteria。 The benches were still a little damp； so I sat on my jacket；
glad to have a use for it。 My homework was done — the product of a slow
social life — but there were a few Trig problems I wasn't sure I had
right。 I took out my book industriously； but halfway through rechecking
the first problem I was daydreaming； watching the sunlight play on the
redbarked trees。 I sketched inattentively along the margins of my
homework。 After a few minutes； I suddenly realized I'd drawn five pairs
of dark eyes staring out of the page at me。 I scrubbed them out with the
eraser。
〃Bella！〃 I heard someone call； and it sounded like Mike。
I looked around to realize that the school had bee populated while I'd
been sitting there； absentminded。 Everyone was in tshirts； some even in
shorts though the temperature couldn't be over sixty。 Mike was ing
toward me in khaki shorts and a striped Rugby shirt； waving。
〃Hey； Mike；〃 I called； waving back； unable to be halfhearted on a morning
like this。
He came to sit by me； the tidy spikes of his hair shining golden in the
light； his grin stretching across his face。 He was so delighted to see
me； I couldn't help but feel gratified。
〃I never noticed before — your hair has red in it；〃 he mented；
catching between his fingers a strand that was fluttering in the light
breeze。
〃Only in the sun。〃
I became just a little unfortable as he tucked the lock behind my ear。
〃Great day； isn't it？〃
〃My kind of day；〃 I agreed。
〃What did you do yesterday？〃 His tone was just a bit too proprietary。
〃I mostly worked on my essay。〃 I didn't add that I was finished with it —
no need to sound smug。
He hit his forehead with the heel of his hand。 〃Oh yeah — that's due
Thursday； right？〃
〃Um； Wednesday； I think。〃
〃Wednesday？〃 He frowned。 〃That's not good… What are you writing yours on？〃
〃Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is
misogynistic。〃
He stared at me like I'd just spoken in pig Latin。
〃I guess I'll have to get to work on that tonight；〃 he said； deflated。 〃I
was going to ask if you wanted to go out。〃
〃Oh。〃 I was taken off guard。 Why couldn't I ever have a pleasant
conversation with Mike anymore without it getting awkward？
〃Well； we could go to dinner or something… and I could work on it later。〃
He smiled at me hopefully。
〃Mike…〃 I hated being pu
