3 eclipse月食-第87部分

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low　I　couldn’t　be　sure　that　was　really　what　he’d　said。　
“Jacob　was　listening；”　I　whispered。　It　wasn’t　a　question。　
“Yes。”　
“You　knew。”　
“Yes。”　
I　stared　at　nothing；　seeing　nothing。　
“I　never　promised　to　fight　fair；”　he　reminded　me　quietly。　“And　he　deserves　to　know。”　
My　head　fell　into　my　hands。　
“Are　you　angry　with　me？”　he　asked。　
“Not　you；”　I　whispered。　“I’m　horrified　at　me。”　
“Don’t　torment　yourself；”　he　pleaded。　
“Yes；”　I　agreed　bitterly。　“I　should　save　my　energy　to　torment　Jacob　some　more。　I　wouldn’t　want　to　leave　
any　part　of　him　unharmed。”　
“He　knew　what　he　was　doing。”　
“Do　you　think　that　matters？”　I　was　blinking　back　tears；　and　this　was　easy　to　hear　in　my　voice。　“Do　you　
think　I　care　whether　it’s　fair　or　whether　he　was　adequately　warned？　I’m　hurting　him。　Every　time　I　turn　
around；　I’m　hurting　him　again。”　My　voice　was　getting　louder；　more　hysterical。　“I’m　a　hideous　person。”　
He　wrapped　his　arms　tightly　around　me。　“No；　you’re　not。”　
“I　am！　What’s　wrong　with　me？”　I　struggled　against　his　arms；　and　he　let　them　drop。　“I　have　to　go　find　him。”　
“Bella；　he’s　already　miles　away；　and　it’s　cold。”　
“I　don’t　care。　I　can’t　just　sit　here。”　I　shrugged　off　Jacob’s　parka；　shoved　my　feet　into　my　boots；　and　
crawled　stiffly　to　the　door；　my　legs　felt　numb。　“I　have　to　—　I　have　to　。　。　。”　I　didn’t　know　how　to　finishthe　
sentence；　didn’t　know　what　there　was　to　do；　but　I　unzipped　the　door　anyway；　and　climbed　out　into　the　bright；　
icy　morning。　
There　was　less　snow　than　I　would　have　thought　after　the　fury　of　last　night’s　storm。　Probably　it　had　blown　
away　rather　than　melted　in　the　sun　that　now　shone　low　in　the　southeast；　glancing　off　the　snow　that　lingered　and　
stabbing　at　my　unadjusted　eyes。　The　air　still　had　a　bite　to　it；　but　it　was　dead　calm　and　slowly　being　more　
seasonable　as　the　sun　rose　higher。　
Seth　Clearwater　was　curled　up　on　a　patch　of　dry　pine　needles　in　the　shadow　of　a　thick　spruce；　his　head　on　
his　paws。　His　sandcolored　fur　was　almost　invisible　against　the　dead　needles；　but　I　could　see　the　bright　snow　
reflect　off　his　open　eyes。　He　was　staring　at　me　with　what　I　imagined　was　an　accusation。　
I　knew　Edward　was　following　me　as　I　stumbled　toward　the　trees。　I　couldn’t　hear　him；　but　the　sun　reflected　
off　his　skin　in　glittering　rainbows　that　danced　ahead　of　me。　He　didn’t　reach　out　to　stop　me　until　I　was　several　
paces　into　the　forest　shadows。　
His　hand　caught　my　left　wrist。　He　ignored　it　when　I　tried　to　yank　myself　free。　
“You　can’t　go　after　him。　Not　today。　It’s　almost　time。　And　getting　yourself　lost　wouldn’t　help　anyone；　
regardless。”　
I　twisted　my　wrist；　pulling　uselessly。　
“I’m　sorry；　Bella；”　he　whispered。　“I’m　sorry　I　did　that。”　
“You　didn’t　do　anything。　It’s　my　fault。　I　did　this。　I　did　everything　wrong。　I　could　have　。　。　。　When　he　。　。　。　I　
shouldn’t　have　。　。　。　I　。　。　。　I　。　。　。”　I　was　sobbing。　
“Bella；　Bella。”　
His　arms　folded　around　me；　and　my　tears　soaked　into　his　shirt。　
“I　should　have　—　told　him　—　I　should　—　have　said　—”　What？　What　could　have　made　this　right？　“He　

shouldn’t　have　—　found　out　like　this。”　
“Do　you　want　me　to　see　if　I　can　bring　him　back；　so　that　you　can　talk　to　him？　There’s　still　a　little　time；”　
Edward　murmured；　hushed　agony　in　his　voice。　
I　nodded　into　his　chest；　afraid　to　see　his　face。　
“Stay　by　the　tent。　I’ll　be　back　soon。”　
His　arms　disappeared。　He　left　so　quickly　that；　in　the　second　it　took　me　to　look　up；　he　was　already　gone。　I　
was　alone。　
A　new　sob　broke　from　my　chest。　I　was　hurting　everyone　today。　Was　there　anything　I　touched　that　didn’t　
get　spoiled？　
I　didn’t　know　why　it　was　hitting　me　so　hard　now。　It　wasn’t　like　I　hadn’t　known　this　was　ing　all　along。　
But　Jacob　had　never　reacted　so　strongly　—　lost　his　bold　overconfidence　and　shown　the　intensity　of　his　pain。　
The　sound　of　his　agony　still　cut　at　me；　somewhere　deep　in　my　chest。　Right　beside　it　was　the　other　pain。　Pain　
for　feeling　pain　over　Jacob。　Pain　for　hurting　Edward；　too。　For　not　being　able　to　watch　Jacob　go　with　
posure；　knowing　that　it　was　the　right　thing；　the　only　way。　
I　was　selfish；　I　was　hurtful。　I　tortured　the　ones　I　loved。　
I　was　like　Cathy；　like　Wuthering　Heights；　only　my　options　were　so　much　better　than　hers；　neither　one　
evil；　neither　one　weak。　And　here　I　sat；　crying　about　it；　not　doing　anything　productive　to　make　it　right。　Just　like　
Cathy。　
I　couldn’t　allow　what　hurt　me　to　influence　my　decisions　anymore。　It　was　too　little；　much　too　late；　but　I　had　
to　do　what　was　right　now。　Maybe　it　was　already　done　for　me。　Maybe　Edward　would　not　be　able　to　bring　him　
back。　And　then　I　would　accept　that　and　get　on　with　my　life。　Edward　would　never　see　me　shed　another　tear　for　
Jacob　Black。　There　would　be　no　more　tears。　I　wiped　the　last　of　them　away　with　cold　fingers　now。　
But　if　Edward　did　return　with　Jacob；　that　was　it。　I　had　to　tell　him　to　go　away　and　never　e　back。　
Why　was　that　so　hard？　So　very　much　more　difficult　than　saying　goodbye　to　my　other　friends；　to　Angela；　to　
Mike？　Why　did　that　hurt？　It　wasn’t　right。　That　shouldn’t　be　able　to　hurt　me。　I　had　what　I　wanted。　I　couldn’t　
have　them　both；　because　Jacob　could　not　be　just　my　friend。　It　was　time　to　give　up　wishing　for　that。　How　
ridiculously　greedy　could　any　one　person　be？　
I　had　to　get　over　this　irrational　feeling　that　Jacob　belonged　in　my　life。　He　couldn’t　belong　with　me；　could　
not　be　my　Jacob；　when　I　belonged　to　someone　else。　
I　walked　slowly　back　to　the　little　clearing；　my　feet　dragging。　When　I　broke　into　the　open　space；　blinking　
against　the　sharp　light；　I　threw　one　quick　glance　toward　Seth　—　he　hadn’t　moved　from　his　bed　of　pine　needles　
—　and　then　looked　away；　avoiding　his　eyes。　
I　could　feel　that　my　hair　was　wild；　twisted　into　clumps　like　Medusa’s　snakes。　I　yanked　through　it　with　my　
fingers；　and　then　gave　up　quickly。　Who　cared　what　I　looked　like；　anyway？　
I　grabbed　the　canteen　hanging　beside　the　tent　door　and　shook　it。　It　sloshed　wetly；　so　I　unscrewed　the　lid　
and　took　a　swig　to　rinse　my　mouth　with　the　ice　water。　There　was　food　somewhere　nearby；　but　I　didn’t　feel　
hungry　enough　to　look　for　it。　I　started　pacing　across　the　bright　little　space；　feeling　Seth’s　eyes　on　me　the　whole　
time。　Because　I　wouldn’t　look　at　him；　in　my　head　he　became　the　boy　again；　rather　than　the　gigantic　wolf。　So　
much　like　a　younger　Jacob。　
I　wanted　to　ask　Seth　to　bark　or　give　some　other　sign　if　Jacob　was　ing　back；　but　I　stopped　myself。　It　
didn’t　matter　if　Jacob　came　back。　It　might　be　easier　if　he　didn’t。　I　wished　I　had　some　way　to　call　Edward。　
Seth　whined　at　that　moment；　and　got　to　his　feet。　
“What　is　it？”　I　asked　him　stupidly。　
He　ignored　me；　trotting　to　the　edge　of　the　trees；　and　pointing　his　nose　toward　the　west。　He　began　
whimpering。　
“Is　it　the　others；　Seth？”　I　demanded。　“In　the　clearing？”　
He　looked　at　me　and　yelped　softly　once；　and　then　turned　his　nose　alertly　back　to　the　west。　His　ears　laid　
back　and　he　whined　again。　
Why　was　I　such　a　fool？　What　was　I　thinking；　sending　Edward　away？　How　was　I　supposed　to　know　what　
was　going　on？　I　didn’t　speak　wolf。　
A　cold　trickle　of　fear　began　to　ooze　down　my　spine。　What　if　the　time　had　run　out？　What　if　Jacob　and　
Edward　got　too　close？　What　if　Edward　decided　to　join　in　the　fight？　

　　　The　icy　fear　pooled　inmy　stomach。　What　if　Seth’s　distress　had　nothing　to　do　with　the　clearing；　and　his　
yelp　had　been　a　denial？　What　if　Jacob　and　Edward　were　fighting　with　each　other；　far　away　somewhere　in　the　
forest？　They　wouldn’t　do　that；　would　they？　
　　　With　sudden；　chilling　certainty　I　realized　that　they　would　—　if　the　wrong　words　were　said。　I　thought　of　the　
tense　standoff　in　the　tent　this　morning；　and　I　wondered　if　I’d　underestimated　how　close　it　had　e　to　a　fight。　
　　　It　would　be　no　more　than　I　deserved　if　I　somehow　lost　them　both。　
　　　The　ice　locked　around　my　heart。　
　　　Before　I　could　collapse　with　fear；　Seth　grumbled　slightly；　deep　in　his　chest；　and　then　turned　away　from　his　
watch　and　sauntered　back　toward　his　resting　place。　It　calmed　me；　but　irritated　me。　Couldn’t　he　scratch　a　
message　in　the　dirt　or　something？　
　　　The　pacing　was　starting　to　make　me　sweat　under　all