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[夜与日].(night.and.day).(英)弗吉尼亚·伍尔芙.文字版-第72部分


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nose were clearly marked against it。 While he paused; 
words that were quite different from those he intended 
to use presented themselves。 

256 



Virginia Woolf 

“I’ve made you my standard ever since I saw you。 I’ve 
dreamt about you; I’ve thought of nothing but you; you 
represent to me the only reality in the world。” 

His words; and the queer strained voice in which he 
spoke them; made it appear as if he addressed some person 
who was not the woman beside him; but some one 
far away。 

“And now things have e to such a pass that; unless 
I can speak to you openly; I believe I shall go mad。 I 
think of you as the most beautiful; the truest thing in 
the world;” he continued; filled with a sense of exaltation; 
and feeling that he had no need now to choose his 
words with pedantic accuracy; for what he wanted to say 
was suddenly bee plain to him。 

“I see you everywhere; in the stars; in the river; to me 
you’re everything that exists; the reality of everything。 
Life; I tell you; would be impossible without you。 And 
now I want—” 

She had heard him so far with a feeling that she had 
dropped some material word which made sense of the 
rest。 She could hear no more of this unintelligible ram


bling without checking him。 She felt that she was overhearing 
what was meant for another。 

“I don’t understand;” she said。 “You’re saying things 
that you don’t mean。” 

“I mean every word I say;” he replied; emphatically。 He 
turned his head towards her。 She recovered the words she 
was searching for while he spoke。 “Ralph Denham is in 
love with you。” They came back to her in Mary Datchet’s 
voice。 Her anger blazed up in her。 

“I saw Mary Datchet this afternoon;” she exclaimed。 

He made a movement as if he were surprised or taken 
aback; but answered in a moment: 

“She told you that I had asked her to marry me; I suppose?” 


“No!” Katharine exclaimed; in surprise。 

“I did though。 It was the day I saw you at Lincoln;” he 
continued。 “I had meant to ask her to marry me; and 
then I looked out of the window and saw you。 After that 
I didn’t want to ask any one to marry me。 But I did it; and 
she knew I was lying; and refused me。 I thought then; 
and still think; that she cares for me。 I behaved very 

257 



Night and Day 

badly。 I don’t defend myself。” 

“No;” said Katharine; “I should hope not。 There’s no 
defence that I can think of。 If any conduct is wrong; that 
is。” She spoke with an energy that was directed even 
more against herself than against him。 “It seems to me;” 
she continued; with the same energy; “that people are 
bound to be honest。 There’s no excuse for such behavior。” 
She could now see plainly before her eyes the expression 
on Mary Datchet’s face。 

After a short pause; he said: 

“I am not telling you that I am in love with you。 I am 
not in love with you。” 

“I didn’t think that;” she replied; conscious of some 
bewilderment。 

“I have not spoken a word to you that I do not mean;” 
he added。 

“Tell me then what it is that you mean;” she said at 
length。 

As if obeying a mon instinct; they both stopped 
and; bending slightly over the balustrade of the river; 
looked into the flowing water。 

“You say that we’ve got to be honest;” Ralph began。 
“Very well。 I will try to tell you the facts; but I warn you; 
you’ll think me mad。 It’s a fact; though; that since I first 
saw you four or five months ago I have made you; in an 
utterly absurd way; I expect; my ideal。 I’m almost ashamed 
to tell you what lengths I’ve gone to。 It’s bee the 
thing that matters most in my life。” He checked himself。 
“Without knowing you; except that you’re beautiful; and 
all that; I’ve e to believe that we’re in some sort of 
agreement; that we’re after something together; that we 
see something… 。 I’ve got into the habit of imagining 
you; I’m always thinking what you’d say or do; I walk 
along the street talking to you; I dream of you。 It’s merely 
a bad habit; a schoolboy habit; daydreaming; it’s a mon 
experience; half one’s friends do the same; well; 
those are the facts。” 

Simultaneously; they both walked on very slowly。 

“If you were to know me you would feel none of this;” 
she said。 “We don’t know each other—we’ve always been— 
interrupted… 。 Were you going to tell me this that day 
my aunts came?” she asked; recollecting the whole scene。 

258 



Virginia Woolf 

He bowed his head。 

“The day you told me of your engagement;” he said。 

She thought; with a start; that she was no longer engaged。 


“I deny that I should cease to feel this if I knew you;” 
he went on。 “I should feel it more reasonably—that’s all。 
I shouldn’t talk the kind of nonsense I’ve talked tonight… 
。 But it wasn’t nonsense。 It was the truth;” he said doggedly。 
“It’s the important thing。 You can force me to talk 
as if this feeling for you were an hallucination; but all 
our feelings are that。 The best of them are half illusions。 
Still;” he added; as if arguing to himself; “if it weren’t as 
real a feeling as I’m capable of; I shouldn’t be changing 
my life on your account。” 

“What do you mean?” she inquired。 

“I told you。 I’m taking a cottage。 I’m giving up my 
profession。” 

“On my account?” she asked; in amazement。 

“Yes; on your account;” he replied。 He explained his 
meaning no further。 

“But I don’t know you or your circumstances;” she said 

at last; as he remained silent。 

“You have no opinion about me one way or the other?” 

“Yes; I suppose I have an opinion—” she hesitated。 

He controlled his wish to ask her to explain herself; 
and much to his pleasure she went on; appearing to search 
her mind。 

“I thought that you criticized me—perhaps disliked me。 
I thought of you as a person who judges—” 

“No; I’m a person who feels;” he said; in a low voice。 

“Tell me; then; what has made you do this?” she asked; 
after a break。 

He told her in an orderly way; betokening careful preparation; 
all that he had meant to say at first; how he stood 
with regard to his brothers and sisters; what his mother 
had said; and his sister Joan had refrained from saying; 
exactly how many pounds stood in his name at the bank; 
what prospect his brother had of earning a livelihood in 
America; how much of their ine went on rent; and 
other details known to him by heart。 She listened to all 
this; so that she could have passed an examination in it 
by the time Waterloo Bridge was in sight; and yet she 

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Night and Day 

was no more listening to it than she was counting the 
pavingstones at her feet。 She was feeling happier than 
she had felt in her life。 If Denham could have seen how 
visibly books of algebraic symbols; pages all speckled with 
dots and dashes and twisted bars; came before her eyes 
as they trod the Embankment; his secret joy in her attention 
might have been dispersed。 She went on; saying; 
“Yes; I see… 。 But how would that help you? … Your 
brother has passed his examination?” so sensibly; that 
he had constantly to keep his brain in check; and all the 
time she was in fancy looking up through a telescope at 
white shadowcleft disks which were other worlds; until 
she felt herself possessed of two bodies; one walking by 
the river with Denham; the other concentrated to a silver 
globe aloft in the fine blue space above the scum of 
vapors that was covering the visible world。 She looked at 
the sky once; and saw that no star was keen enough to 
pierce the flight of watery clouds now coursing rapidly 
before the west wind。 She looked down hurriedly again。 
There was no reason; she assured herself; for this feeling 
of happiness; she was not free; she was not alone; she 

was still bound to earth by a million fibres; every step took 
her nearer home。 Nevertheless; she exulted as she had never 
exulted before。 The air was fresher; the lights more distinct; 
the cold stone of the balustrade colder and harder; 
when by chance or purpose she struck her hand against it。 
No fe

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