5 midnight sun午夜阳光-第60部分

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f　to　clear　it。　Um；　she　said；　it　doesn　t　help　with　the　Charlie　situation　if　an　unexplained　Volvo　is　left　in　the　driveway。　Ah；　how　little　she　still　knew　me。　How　she　started　to　ask。　I　interrupted　her。　The　answer　would　be　hard　to　explain　without　a　demonstration；　and　now　was　hardly　the　time。　Don　t　worry　about　it。　I　ll　be　there；　no　car。　She　put　her　head　on　one　side；　and　looked　for　a　second　like　she　was　going　to　press　for　more；　but　then　she　seemed　to　change　her　mind。　Is　it　later　yet？　she　asked；　reminding　me　of　our　unfinished　conversation　in　the　cafeteria　today；　she　d　let　go　of　one　difficult　question　just　to　return　another　that　was　more　unappealing。　I　suppose　it　is　later；　I　agreed　unwillingly。　I　parked　in　front　of　her　house；　tensing　as　I　tried　to　think　of　how　to　explain　without　making　my　monstrous　nature　too　evident；　without　frightening　her　again。　Or　was　that　wrong？　To　minimalize　my　darkness？　She　waited　with　the　same　politely　interested　mask　she　d　worn　at　lunch。　been　less　anxious；　her　preposterous　calm　would　have　made　me　laugh。　If　I　d　I　wasn　t　intending　to　bring　a　car。

And　you　still　want　to　know　why　you　can　t　see　me　hunt？　I　asked。　Well；　mostly　I　was　wondering　about　your　reaction；　she　said。　Did　I　frighten　you？　I　asked；　positive　that　she　would　deny　it。　No。　I　tried　not　to　smile；　and　failed。　I　apologize　for　scaring　you。　And　then　my　smile　vanished　with　the　momentary　humor。　It　was　just　the　very　thought　of　you　being　there　while　we　hunted。　That　would　be　bad？　The　mental　picture　was　too　much　Bella；　so　vulnerable　in　the　empty　darkness；　myself；　out　of　control　I　tried　to　banish　it　from　my　head。　Extremely。　Because　？　I　took　a　deep　breath；　concentrating　for　one　moment　on　the　burning　thirst。　Feeling　it；　managing　it；　proving　my　dominion　over　it。　It　would　never　control　me　again　I　willed　that　to　be　true。　I　would　be　safe　for　her。　I　stared　at　the　wele　clouds　without　seeing　them；　wishing　I　could　believe　that　my　determination　would　make　any　difference　if　I　were　hunting　when　I　crossed　her　scent。　When　we　hunt　we　give　ourselves　over　to　our　senses；　I　told　her；　thinking　through　each　word　before　I　spoke　it。　Govern　less　with　our　minds。　Especially　our　sense　of　smell。　If　you　were　anywhere　near　me　when　I　lost　control　that　way　I　shook　my　head　in　agony　at　the　thought　of　what　would　not　what　could；　but　what　would　surely　happen　then。　I　listened　to　the　spike　in　her　heartbeat；　and　then　turned；　restless；　to　read　her　eyes。　Bella　s　face　was　posed；　her　eyes　grave。　Her　mouth　was　pursed　just　slightly　in　what　I　guessed　was　concern。　But　concern　for　what？　Her　own　safety？　Or　my　anguish？　I　continued　to　stare　at　her；　trying　to　translate　her　ambiguous　expression　into　sure　fact。　She　gazed　back。　Her　eyes　grew　wider　after　a　moment；　and　her　pupils　dilated；　though　the　light　had　not　changed。　My　breathing　accelerated；　and　suddenly　the　quiet　in　the　car　seemed　to　be　humming；　just　like　in　the　darkened　biology　room　this　afternoon。　The　pulsing　current　raced　between　us　again；　and　my　desire　to　touch　her　was；　briefly；　stronger　even　than　the　demands　of　my　thirst。　The　throbbing　electricity　made　it　feel　like　I　had　a　pulse　again。　My　body　sang　with　it。　Like　I　was　human。　More　than　anything　in　the　world；　I　wanted　to　feel　the　heat　of　her　lips　against　mine。　For　one　second；　I　struggled　desperately　to　find　the　strength；　the　control；　to　able　to　put　my　mouth　so　close　to　her　skin　She　sucked　in　a　ragged　breath；　and　only　then　did　I　realize　that　when　I　had　started　breathing　faster；　she　had　stopped　breathing　altogether。　I　closed　my　eyes；　trying　to　break　the　connection　between　us。　No　more　mistakes。　Bella　s　existence　was　tied　to　a　thousand　delicately　balanced　chemical　processes；　all　so　easily　disrupted。　The　rhythmic　expansion　of　her　lungs；　the　flow　of　oxygen；

was　life　or　death　to　her。　The　fluttering　cadence　of　her　fragile　heart　could　be　stopped　by　so　many　stupid　accidents　or　illnesses　or　by　me。　I　did　not　believe　that　any　member　of　my　family　would　hesitate　if　he　or　she　were　offered　a　chance　back　if　he　or　she　could　trade　immortality　for　mortality　again。　Any　one　of　us　would　stand　in　fire　for　it。　Burn　for　as　many　days　or　centuries　as　were　necessary。　Most　of　our　kind　prized　immortality　above　anything　else。　There　were　even　humans　who　craved　this；　who　searched　in　dark　places　for　those　who　could　give　them　the　blackest　of　gifts　Not　us。　Not　my　family。　We　would　trade　anything　to　be　human。　But　none　of　us　had　ever　been　as　desperate　for　a　way　back　as　I　was　now。　I　stared　at　the　microscopic　pits　and　flaws　in　the　windshield；　like　there　was　some　solution　hidden　in　the　glass。　The　electricity　had　not　faded；　and　I　had　to　concentrate　to　keep　my　hands　on　the　wheel。　My　right　hand　began　to　sting　without　pain　again；　from　when　I　d　touched　her　before。　Bella；　I　think　you　should　go　inside　now。　She　obeyed　at　once；　without　ment；　getting　out　of　the　car　and　shutting　the　door　behind　herself。　Did　she　feel　the　potential　for　disaster　as　clearly　as　I　did？　Did　it　hurt　her　to　leave；　as　it　hurt　me　to　let　her　go？　The　only　solace　was　that　I　would　see　her　soon。　Sooner　than　she　would　see　me。　I　smiled　at　that；　then　rolled　the　window　down　and　leaned　across　to　speak　to　her　one　more　time　it　was　safer　now；　with　the　heat　of　her　body　outside　the　car。　She　turned　to　see　what　I　wanted；　curious。　Still　curious；　though　she　d　asked　me　so　many　questions　today。　My　own　curiosity　was　entirely　unsatisfied；　answering　her　questions　today　had　only　revealed　my　secrets　I　d　gotten　little　from　her　but　my　own　conjectures。　That　wasn　t　fair。　Oh；　Bella？　Yes？　Tomorrow　it　s　my　turn。　Her　forehead　puckered。　Your　turn　to　what？　Ask　the　questions。　Tomorrow；　when　we　were　in　a　safer　place；　surrounded　by　witnesses；　I　would　get　my　own　answers。　I　grinned　at　the　thought；　and　then　I　turned　away　because　she　made　no　move　to　leave。　Even　with　her　outside　of　the　car；　the　echo　of　the　electricity　zinged　in　the　air。　I　wanted　to　get　out；　too；　to　walk　her　to　her　door　as　an　excuse　to　stay　beside　her　No　more　mistakes。　I　hit　the　gas；　and　then　sighed　as　she　disappeared　behind　me。　It　seemed　like　I　was　always　running　toward　Bella　or　running　away　from　her；　never　staying　in　place。　I　would　have　to　find　some　way　to　hold　my　ground　if　we　were　ever　going　to　have　any　peace。